Saturday, July 17, 2010
Reorganize
Ever get the feeling it's time to reorganize or reinvent yourself? I have been feeling out of sorts all week with out really being sure as to why. Now I'm thinking I need to make some changes. Clear the shelves and start fresh.
I need to go back to eating more of raw diet, I feel more energized when I do. I need to remember to drink more water. Plan on starting couch to 5K on Monday. Longer term I need to figure out how to get back to dancing, I miss it.
I need to cleanse my house & reorganize. Put away wedding pictures, collect what remains of my ex's belongs and return them, throw away old love notes.
I need to get back to writing more, especially on vegan topics. I want to get back to practicing French.
I have a lot of things and goals I want to do, so I must reorganize in order to make it happen and stop feeling so anxious about it all.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
A season
This last year has brought so many changes to my life. A (not using real names to protect the innocent & the not so innocent) made me realize how unsatisfied & miserable I was in my marriage. D made me feel passion. I don't mean physical passion but rather a passion of emotions. It was a crazy emotional ride, but it made me feel alive again.
Things with D ended as quickly as they began. Think I was lucky enough to have several people around me such as D2, G & M to get over everything and move forward.
Yes, the whole last year has been an interesting ride. I figure it is exactly what I needed to change my life and move forward.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Things with D ended as quickly as they began. Think I was lucky enough to have several people around me such as D2, G & M to get over everything and move forward.
Yes, the whole last year has been an interesting ride. I figure it is exactly what I needed to change my life and move forward.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The phone call.....[warning do not read if you are easily upset]
I never thought a phone call could change my life, but it did.
I was 8, my parents had taken us out to the movies. It was raining when we got home. Mom was trying to open the door. My dad was caring my sis since she had fallen asleep. The phone started to ring before the door was open. I ran inside and picked it up. On the otherside was a woman crying. She asked for my dad so I of course handed him the phone. A few words where exchanged between them. He went into his bedroom with my mom right on his heels. I could hear them arguing but not quite sure what they were saying. A few minutes later, he had a bag in his hand and left.
Didn't know exactly what happened, but I sure was about to find out. Once that door closed my mom started to scream at me hysterically.
"You are never to answer the phone again" "it's your fault your daddy left"
She was then on the phone with my grandma and aunties yelling and crying. She seemed to cry all night. I must have fallen asleep since our house had a eerie stillness to it in the morning. Once my mom was up she packed a few bags and off to grandma's house we went. The next day she left. My sister and I were there for a week. No one would tell us what was happening. Where are parents were. I'd try calling home and the phone would just ring and ring. My sister and I felt abandoned by both of our parents.
When my mom finally returned to get us she said, we moved. She had managed to have her job transfer her to a location 2 hours south of where we lived with my dad. She had rented a house and moved furniture in.
My parents were seperated. My mom was working crazy hours to try & make ends meet. During the week, we had a maid that watched us. I use that term losely as she was an illegal my mom paid her under the table. Since she had no one to watch us on the weekend there was an elderly distant relative she would drop us off with.
We didn't have a choice about this. During this time my dad maybe took me & my sister for the weekend twice. This relative had an older son that lived with her. I'm not entirely sure how old he was but I want to say late 20's. At first he was very nice to us regularly drawing us pictures of Hello Kitty. This was 1980.
After a while just one of us would be in his room. Initially it was no big deal. Then he started to regularly stand me in front of his mirror with him standing behind me. He would rub his hands up & down on my non-existant breast. He would tell me that when I was a women I would enjoy this. Things progressed each weekend that we were there. Finally to the point where he would put his hands all the way down my pants. Now, he would seperate me & my sister as much as possible. I would try to regularly protect her as much as I could. I couldn't image him doing the same to her, but he did.
Weird thing was this went unnoticed. We would BEG our dad to come get us. Would ask to be left home alone. Plus the regular bladder infections. Unnoticed. No, our patents were in their own world. This went on for a year and a half before we moved again.
By the time I was 13 I had finally told my parents about this. Only to have my dad call me a liar. Soon afterwards this man was at a family reunion. I was horrified! My dad wanted to see me explode & go off, I didn't. I spent the day sitting in a corner with a fever & throwing up from being so upset. I failed to react the way my dad expected. Therefore according to him, I was never molested and I had lied in his eyes.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I was 8, my parents had taken us out to the movies. It was raining when we got home. Mom was trying to open the door. My dad was caring my sis since she had fallen asleep. The phone started to ring before the door was open. I ran inside and picked it up. On the otherside was a woman crying. She asked for my dad so I of course handed him the phone. A few words where exchanged between them. He went into his bedroom with my mom right on his heels. I could hear them arguing but not quite sure what they were saying. A few minutes later, he had a bag in his hand and left.
Didn't know exactly what happened, but I sure was about to find out. Once that door closed my mom started to scream at me hysterically.
"You are never to answer the phone again" "it's your fault your daddy left"
She was then on the phone with my grandma and aunties yelling and crying. She seemed to cry all night. I must have fallen asleep since our house had a eerie stillness to it in the morning. Once my mom was up she packed a few bags and off to grandma's house we went. The next day she left. My sister and I were there for a week. No one would tell us what was happening. Where are parents were. I'd try calling home and the phone would just ring and ring. My sister and I felt abandoned by both of our parents.
When my mom finally returned to get us she said, we moved. She had managed to have her job transfer her to a location 2 hours south of where we lived with my dad. She had rented a house and moved furniture in.
My parents were seperated. My mom was working crazy hours to try & make ends meet. During the week, we had a maid that watched us. I use that term losely as she was an illegal my mom paid her under the table. Since she had no one to watch us on the weekend there was an elderly distant relative she would drop us off with.
We didn't have a choice about this. During this time my dad maybe took me & my sister for the weekend twice. This relative had an older son that lived with her. I'm not entirely sure how old he was but I want to say late 20's. At first he was very nice to us regularly drawing us pictures of Hello Kitty. This was 1980.
After a while just one of us would be in his room. Initially it was no big deal. Then he started to regularly stand me in front of his mirror with him standing behind me. He would rub his hands up & down on my non-existant breast. He would tell me that when I was a women I would enjoy this. Things progressed each weekend that we were there. Finally to the point where he would put his hands all the way down my pants. Now, he would seperate me & my sister as much as possible. I would try to regularly protect her as much as I could. I couldn't image him doing the same to her, but he did.
Weird thing was this went unnoticed. We would BEG our dad to come get us. Would ask to be left home alone. Plus the regular bladder infections. Unnoticed. No, our patents were in their own world. This went on for a year and a half before we moved again.
By the time I was 13 I had finally told my parents about this. Only to have my dad call me a liar. Soon afterwards this man was at a family reunion. I was horrified! My dad wanted to see me explode & go off, I didn't. I spent the day sitting in a corner with a fever & throwing up from being so upset. I failed to react the way my dad expected. Therefore according to him, I was never molested and I had lied in his eyes.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
What to do, what to do!
So it seems that if one aspect of my life is going well the other parts just fall to pieces.
Although work has been extremely busy this year, I have already exceeded my savings targets for this year. I have also received two awards and just found out this week that I'm going to receive another award next week. Career-wise yes life is good.
The other aspects, not so much! As many of you know I'm going through a pretty messed up divorce. My ex is really been going after me for as much money as possible. No only in the form of child and spousal support, but also my stocks and retirement accounts. I don't mind the child support. I do resent the spousal support, he works for another pharmaceutical company and earns good money. Now this week he is being laid off, so he has been wanting to take me to court so that he can get half my salary. This has had me fuming of course!
We previously agreed that I would keep our house. With the current status of the economy we would end up selling at a loss. The issue that comes up is how do I maintain an a house this size, my sanity and support my ex. As much as I love this house I feel like I have to walk away. It is just four walls, wood & concrete right? So why is the idea of selling my home so hard. For all I have worked for and accomplished this idea makes me feel like a failure. At the same time I want to be able to spend what I want when I want & buy things for my kids. I want to take vacations. With having to support my ex I really have been having to watch what I spend & I really hate that.
Now that I have failed at two marriages and most likely will have to sell my house, yeah life sucks!
Although work has been extremely busy this year, I have already exceeded my savings targets for this year. I have also received two awards and just found out this week that I'm going to receive another award next week. Career-wise yes life is good.
The other aspects, not so much! As many of you know I'm going through a pretty messed up divorce. My ex is really been going after me for as much money as possible. No only in the form of child and spousal support, but also my stocks and retirement accounts. I don't mind the child support. I do resent the spousal support, he works for another pharmaceutical company and earns good money. Now this week he is being laid off, so he has been wanting to take me to court so that he can get half my salary. This has had me fuming of course!
We previously agreed that I would keep our house. With the current status of the economy we would end up selling at a loss. The issue that comes up is how do I maintain an a house this size, my sanity and support my ex. As much as I love this house I feel like I have to walk away. It is just four walls, wood & concrete right? So why is the idea of selling my home so hard. For all I have worked for and accomplished this idea makes me feel like a failure. At the same time I want to be able to spend what I want when I want & buy things for my kids. I want to take vacations. With having to support my ex I really have been having to watch what I spend & I really hate that.
Now that I have failed at two marriages and most likely will have to sell my house, yeah life sucks!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
What a girl wants.....
What a girl wants and maybe a little of what a girl doesn't want. After 10 years I once again find myself single. A little older and hopeful a bit wiser. Over the last few months I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to re-find myself and getting centered once again.
I have been married twice now and am pretty certain at this point that I don't want to go down that path again. I have had three children two of which will be moving on to college and having a life of their own before I know it. So, I'm not looking to start a family and raise kids and build a home with anyone. I have that. I think I'm at a stage in my life where I'm being a bit more selfish. I want to date maybe even have a relationship with someone so that I can have fun and enjoy someone else's company. I'm not looking to have someone move in with me or support me.
With all of these thoughts swirling in my head I have made a list of qualities that I'm looking for in a person to date or have a relationship. This list is in no particular order, just how I thought up these items.
Intelligence - I know that this sounds like a given, but I find I can become quite inpatient with people that can not grasp complex ideas.
Ambition - I have met some very intelligent individuals that have no ambition. Sure they can make more money or get that job, but for some reason they choose to complain about it rather than take action and change their situation.
Kindness - General kindness to other is a must have. Not only do I need kindness, but someone who can show my children kindness. By this I do not mean I'm looking for a daddy, but really someone that can be genuinely kind.
Humor - I want someone who can make me giggle and be silly with me. Life is too short to always be serious. Need to have fun.
Passion - If you are interested in me tell me. Let me know it. Hate to play guessing games. Now this is completely different than smothering with affection and stalking. Once thing is for sure, I need my own space.
Conversation - Love to meet someone that could talk about Nuclear medicine, Yo gabba gabba or nothing at all. Just being able to hold a conversation about whatever is going on is a good thing.
Responsibility - Again this seems pretty obvious but it amazes me how many people do not seem to take responsibility for themselves and their own actions. You're a grown up right? Well act like it.
Emotional strength and maturity - Yes my life is complicated. I know that and I doubt that will ever change. Need someone that can deal with that. Life is not always rainbows and unicorns. Life can get ugly and messy at times. If that is too much to handle then, they are not the one for me.
Financial Stability - Like I said I'm not looking to play house and have someone support me, I can stand on my two feet. I expect the same of who ever I'm with.
Shameless flirting - Okay, so I will acknowledge that I'm a huge shameless flirt. But it truly is just that. If I'm committed, I'm committed. So if I'm flirting it is just that and nothing more. Takes a big man to be able to deal with that.
Acceptance - You would think that being an atheist vegan would be a requirement at the top of my list, but it's not. It would be great, but as long as they were accepting that I am an atheist and that I am vegan it is okay. I don't want to change anyone and I don't want anyone to change me. I want some one to accept me as I am.
I know this list maybe a bit unrealistic. At this point I figure I should aim high as I have nothing to lose. Right?
I have been married twice now and am pretty certain at this point that I don't want to go down that path again. I have had three children two of which will be moving on to college and having a life of their own before I know it. So, I'm not looking to start a family and raise kids and build a home with anyone. I have that. I think I'm at a stage in my life where I'm being a bit more selfish. I want to date maybe even have a relationship with someone so that I can have fun and enjoy someone else's company. I'm not looking to have someone move in with me or support me.
With all of these thoughts swirling in my head I have made a list of qualities that I'm looking for in a person to date or have a relationship. This list is in no particular order, just how I thought up these items.
Intelligence - I know that this sounds like a given, but I find I can become quite inpatient with people that can not grasp complex ideas.
Ambition - I have met some very intelligent individuals that have no ambition. Sure they can make more money or get that job, but for some reason they choose to complain about it rather than take action and change their situation.
Kindness - General kindness to other is a must have. Not only do I need kindness, but someone who can show my children kindness. By this I do not mean I'm looking for a daddy, but really someone that can be genuinely kind.
Humor - I want someone who can make me giggle and be silly with me. Life is too short to always be serious. Need to have fun.
Passion - If you are interested in me tell me. Let me know it. Hate to play guessing games. Now this is completely different than smothering with affection and stalking. Once thing is for sure, I need my own space.
Conversation - Love to meet someone that could talk about Nuclear medicine, Yo gabba gabba or nothing at all. Just being able to hold a conversation about whatever is going on is a good thing.
Responsibility - Again this seems pretty obvious but it amazes me how many people do not seem to take responsibility for themselves and their own actions. You're a grown up right? Well act like it.
Emotional strength and maturity - Yes my life is complicated. I know that and I doubt that will ever change. Need someone that can deal with that. Life is not always rainbows and unicorns. Life can get ugly and messy at times. If that is too much to handle then, they are not the one for me.
Financial Stability - Like I said I'm not looking to play house and have someone support me, I can stand on my two feet. I expect the same of who ever I'm with.
Shameless flirting - Okay, so I will acknowledge that I'm a huge shameless flirt. But it truly is just that. If I'm committed, I'm committed. So if I'm flirting it is just that and nothing more. Takes a big man to be able to deal with that.
Acceptance - You would think that being an atheist vegan would be a requirement at the top of my list, but it's not. It would be great, but as long as they were accepting that I am an atheist and that I am vegan it is okay. I don't want to change anyone and I don't want anyone to change me. I want some one to accept me as I am.
I know this list maybe a bit unrealistic. At this point I figure I should aim high as I have nothing to lose. Right?
Friday, April 16, 2010
I'm just a bit nutty
Ever feel like life is spiraling out of control? Usually life's stresses are easy to deal with when they come at you on a one on one basis. For what ever reason my life has gone into a tail spin lately. I'm dealing with getting divorced and my 14 year old who is bipolar going through some really rough times. Oh and did mention that work is crazy due to a merger and layoffs.
If I seem a bit off from my usual self, you're right I am!
-- Post From My iPhone
If I seem a bit off from my usual self, you're right I am!
-- Post From My iPhone
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Super Easy & Yummy Vegan Brownies
I have had this recipe for over five years now, can't recall where I found it as I only have a handwritten copy. This is too yummy not to share, Especially since it is soooo easy to make and so yummy.
2 Cups Flour
2 Cups Sugar
1 Cup Water
1 Cup Oil
3/4 Cup unsweetened Cocoa powder
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
1.Preheat oven to 350 degree F
2. In large bowl combine all ingredients and mix until well blended
3. oil pan and coat with cocoa powder
4. Pour mix into 9 x 13 inch baking pan ( I use glass)
5. Bake for 25-30 minutes
2 Cups Flour
2 Cups Sugar
1 Cup Water
1 Cup Oil
3/4 Cup unsweetened Cocoa powder
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
1.Preheat oven to 350 degree F
2. In large bowl combine all ingredients and mix until well blended
3. oil pan and coat with cocoa powder
4. Pour mix into 9 x 13 inch baking pan ( I use glass)
5. Bake for 25-30 minutes
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