Thursday, September 15, 2011

I can't breath

So I've been through quite a bit I'm the last two years. I've been dealing with a messy divorce. I was laid off and out of work for months. Plus dealing with my daughter that is bipolar.

Now I've know she was bipolar since she was seven. Have always dealt with meds and regular doctor visits. It all got much more intense about 2 years . Since that time she has had numerous suicide attempts. Cutting her wrist, ODing on Tylenol, drinking cleaner, etc. Plus all the times she has on her own said she needs to be hospitalized cause she was going to harm herself.

As a result she has been put in a mental facility for children more times than I can remember. She has been put in specialized school programs for kids like her. She even spent four months in a residential facility.

As always they send her home. She is not stable enough, even though I begged that they find a different solution. Then came the day she hit her 4 year old sister. She claimed it was an accident. Of course what else would she say?

This got her a room in a teen homeless shelter cause they really don't have a solution for what to do with her. It has been recommended that she go into foster care. Even that is not working out right now.

She is frustrated. I get it. I know it. She is fighting with staff at her school. Staff at the shelter. They have pointed out to her that since she can't seem to get along with anyone, may be it's her and not the rest of the world.

She is pissed and trying anything to get my attention. She is constantly lying. She has gone way to far this time. She is making accusation against her brother that I know are not true. Because the nature of the accusation, everyone involved is required to now involve child services.

This whole situations is wrong. The system is failing. I can't stop crying. Can't breath.

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Tuesday, July 26, 2011


Wow! It's been a while since I updated this blog. I've had quite a bit going on these last few months

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Sunday, April 3, 2011

Facts about me

This was originally a meme on Twitter. There was no way I was going to spam everyone with this or easily come up with 100 facts about myself. It has become a growing and evolving list, yet still only came up with about 53 things.

1) Usually told I look about 10 years younger than I actually am
2) I have a daughter that is bipolar
3) I'm happier living away from the majority of my family.
4) I was 30 before my father ever said he was proud of me
5) My father has never told me I was pretty/ beautiful.
6) I try to tell my girls how beautiful they are every chance I get.
7) I've lived in 4 states, all ending in the letter A.
8) I went to 4 different colleges over 12 years before getting my finally getting my Bachelors.
9) I'm an Atheist
10) I have 3 kids
11) I hate my legal first name. Never use it. Someday I'll probably legally change it.
12) I hate when people call me Vero as a nickname. Always prefer V. Or E, but that's a long story.
13) Favorite color is purple
14) My parents separated when I was 8 but didn't divorce until 20 years later.
15) People seem underestimate my intelligence. Seems it maybe cause of how much I giggle & act silly.
16) I'm vegan.
17) I never know which diversity box to pick. I'm of Spanish decent but not from a Latin American country so it never fits neatly in any box.
18) With my kids we can check almost every diversity box except African American
19) I went to a performing arts high school yet haven't played an instrument, done any acting or dance in years.
20) Most of my recognition/achievement in high school was related to math.
21) At one point I was kicked out of my algebra 2 class on a daily basis and sent to my counselors office
22) My senior year I was assigned to independent study for math.
23) I'm allergic to milk, eggs, sulphates, every grass imaginable, magnolias, cats, dogs, latex & nylon.
24) I've had both cats & dogs growing up and as an adult.
25) I speak Spanish fluently.
English is not my first language
26) I learned Spanish & English at the same time.
27) I think writing is my weakest skill
28) I love alternative music
29) My favorite band is blink 182
30) I've seen the live at least 20 times
31) If I had to choose a theme song it would most likely be "what's my age again?"
32) Love classical & horror movie's
33) My favorite movie's would be a toss up between "Breakfast at Tiffany's" & "The Exorcist".
34) I love to paint & scrapbook but rarely feel like I have the time to
35) Some days I wish I could have live in the 20's to 40's era
36) I have a younger sister
37) I was rarely spanked as a child. Never by my parents
38) Between the ages of 13-15 I only wore blue, gold or black lipstick.
39) During that same time my head was usually partially shaved & many different colors.
40) I'm registered as an independent
41) I lean towards being libertarian
42) Most of my jobs have been office jobs
43) I did once work as a make-up artist.
44) Absolutely hate mango's
45) Detest dill
46) I love the rain
47) I'm a Leo
48) Most the cars I have own are 5-speeds
49) My favorite color for cars is silver
50) I want to retire on one of the coasts so I can walk on the beach whenever I want
51) I first was vegetarian at 17
52) I'm about 5'8' - 5'9"
53) I was born in East L.A.

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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Something New

Still don't quite know what I want. I know don't want to get married again. I know don't want to play house and live with anyone, or wake up next next to them every morning. I want the freedom of having my own space to be myself. At the same time I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too in the sense that I do want to have a relationship with someone. I would like it be meaningful relationship with them, not necessarily be something defined by current cultural standards. Something we define as our own.

Not sure if that right someone is even out there. I like the idea being able to have someone in my life who I can talk to and is willing to share the same with me. At the same time would like them to have their own life. Someone who has their own home yet wants to come over and spend time with me having fun just because.

I'm sure for the right person I might change my mind somewhat on my current boundries but I want to take things slow. Both my marriages started with fast kinda crazy worldwind romances, yet neither lasted. I want to make sure to take my time when it comes to romance moving forward.

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Good riddance to 2010

This year has been less than stellar for me. I really am looking forward to 2011 and all the new possibilities it may bring. They say the biggest changes in life happen when you get a new job, get married, buy a house or have a baby. My life has major changes this year but almost in reverse. I'll explain:

• Started the year off already going through a divorce. Yes, this was my choice. Never imagined that I would have to take my ex to court just to get him to move out of the house or that I would be the one having to pay child support & alimony. Now I only have 50% custody of my youngest child.

• On New Year's eve last year my oldest daughter (15 now) had her first suicide attempt of the year. Yes, I spent New Year's eve in the ER. Unfortunately it did not stop there. It has been a constant issue this year with her, 5 suicide attempts so far.

• I have had a chance to make some wonderful friends this year. At the same time I have met really crappy fake people that I know wish I had never met. The same goes for guys I have met since being single and dating.

• Found out just before Thanksgiving that I'm being laid off in the first part of the new year. It has caused me to hate my job which I have not done in the last 12 years. It has really thrown me for a loop.

So I'm losing a job, getting divorced, worried about my kids and due to the lay off may need to seriously reconsider my housing options. Major life changes all around this year. Yes, I have survived but I am looking for next year to be better. It would be great if I could relax just a little and enjoy life a bit.

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Monday, October 25, 2010

The last year

Over the last year I have gone through a lot of changes personally. I separated from my husband and started divorce proceeding. The divorce seems to be the catalyst for most of what has changed over the last year.

There have been a lot of people who have taught me things along the way. There is that saying that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Not quite sure what bucket they all fit in yet, but it's been an interesting journey either way so far.

Prior to my separation I had met three of the most intelligent, funny, color outside the lines and honest women I know. They have been so awesome in being there. All of us sharing our ups and downs. Sharing what we are grateful for and sharing our secrets. Not sure where I would be without them.

I've also met a few people that reminded me that not all men are jerks. Yet at the same time to keep my eyes open and not be naive on the lies some men are willing to tell. I have also been reminded so many times this year to trust my gut. When I had doubts about friendships and motives I questioned myself and others intentions. Second guessing my initial feelings. In the end those individuals proved that my initial gut feel was right on the money.

Also made a friend that reminded me that I'm a very intelligent, independent, benevolent & beautiful single mom that has her shit together. He also helped me to better see a certain part of myself. Not sure he even knows that. Either way I'm grateful and will always think of him as a friend. As I mentioned before I'm not sure what bucket everyone falls into, but I know he no longer considers me a friend. None the less I wish only the best for him.

Live and learn, I try to remind myself everyday to say what I want and not settle for less. To remember to trust my gut and be patient as things and relationships are ever evolving.

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Saturday, July 17, 2010


Ever get the feeling it's time to reorganize or reinvent yourself? I have been feeling out of sorts all week with out really being sure as to why. Now I'm thinking I need to make some changes. Clear the shelves and start fresh.

I need to go back to eating more of raw diet, I feel more energized when I do. I need to remember to drink more water. Plan on starting couch to 5K on Monday. Longer term I need to figure out how to get back to dancing, I miss it.

I need to cleanse my house & reorganize. Put away wedding pictures, collect what remains of my ex's belongs and return them, throw away old love notes.

I need to get back to writing more, especially on vegan topics. I want to get back to practicing French.

I have a lot of things and goals I want to do, so I must reorganize in order to make it happen and stop feeling so anxious about it all.

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