Still don't quite know what I want. I know don't want to get married again. I know don't want to play house and live with anyone, or wake up next next to them every morning. I want the freedom of having my own space to be myself. At the same time I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too in the sense that I do want to have a relationship with someone. I would like it be meaningful relationship with them, not necessarily be something defined by current cultural standards. Something we define as our own.
Not sure if that right someone is even out there. I like the idea being able to have someone in my life who I can talk to and is willing to share the same with me. At the same time would like them to have their own life. Someone who has their own home yet wants to come over and spend time with me having fun just because.
I'm sure for the right person I might change my mind somewhat on my current boundries but I want to take things slow. Both my marriages started with fast kinda crazy worldwind romances, yet neither lasted. I want to make sure to take my time when it comes to romance moving forward.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Good riddance to 2010
This year has been less than stellar for me. I really am looking forward to 2011 and all the new possibilities it may bring. They say the biggest changes in life happen when you get a new job, get married, buy a house or have a baby. My life has major changes this year but almost in reverse. I'll explain:
• Started the year off already going through a divorce. Yes, this was my choice. Never imagined that I would have to take my ex to court just to get him to move out of the house or that I would be the one having to pay child support & alimony. Now I only have 50% custody of my youngest child.
• On New Year's eve last year my oldest daughter (15 now) had her first suicide attempt of the year. Yes, I spent New Year's eve in the ER. Unfortunately it did not stop there. It has been a constant issue this year with her, 5 suicide attempts so far.
• I have had a chance to make some wonderful friends this year. At the same time I have met really crappy fake people that I know wish I had never met. The same goes for guys I have met since being single and dating.
• Found out just before Thanksgiving that I'm being laid off in the first part of the new year. It has caused me to hate my job which I have not done in the last 12 years. It has really thrown me for a loop.
So I'm losing a job, getting divorced, worried about my kids and due to the lay off may need to seriously reconsider my housing options. Major life changes all around this year. Yes, I have survived but I am looking for next year to be better. It would be great if I could relax just a little and enjoy life a bit.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
• Started the year off already going through a divorce. Yes, this was my choice. Never imagined that I would have to take my ex to court just to get him to move out of the house or that I would be the one having to pay child support & alimony. Now I only have 50% custody of my youngest child.
• On New Year's eve last year my oldest daughter (15 now) had her first suicide attempt of the year. Yes, I spent New Year's eve in the ER. Unfortunately it did not stop there. It has been a constant issue this year with her, 5 suicide attempts so far.
• I have had a chance to make some wonderful friends this year. At the same time I have met really crappy fake people that I know wish I had never met. The same goes for guys I have met since being single and dating.
• Found out just before Thanksgiving that I'm being laid off in the first part of the new year. It has caused me to hate my job which I have not done in the last 12 years. It has really thrown me for a loop.
So I'm losing a job, getting divorced, worried about my kids and due to the lay off may need to seriously reconsider my housing options. Major life changes all around this year. Yes, I have survived but I am looking for next year to be better. It would be great if I could relax just a little and enjoy life a bit.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, October 25, 2010
The last year
Over the last year I have gone through a lot of changes personally. I separated from my husband and started divorce proceeding. The divorce seems to be the catalyst for most of what has changed over the last year.
There have been a lot of people who have taught me things along the way. There is that saying that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Not quite sure what bucket they all fit in yet, but it's been an interesting journey either way so far.
Prior to my separation I had met three of the most intelligent, funny, color outside the lines and honest women I know. They have been so awesome in being there. All of us sharing our ups and downs. Sharing what we are grateful for and sharing our secrets. Not sure where I would be without them.
I've also met a few people that reminded me that not all men are jerks. Yet at the same time to keep my eyes open and not be naive on the lies some men are willing to tell. I have also been reminded so many times this year to trust my gut. When I had doubts about friendships and motives I questioned myself and others intentions. Second guessing my initial feelings. In the end those individuals proved that my initial gut feel was right on the money.
Also made a friend that reminded me that I'm a very intelligent, independent, benevolent & beautiful single mom that has her shit together. He also helped me to better see a certain part of myself. Not sure he even knows that. Either way I'm grateful and will always think of him as a friend. As I mentioned before I'm not sure what bucket everyone falls into, but I know he no longer considers me a friend. None the less I wish only the best for him.
Live and learn, I try to remind myself everyday to say what I want and not settle for less. To remember to trust my gut and be patient as things and relationships are ever evolving.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
There have been a lot of people who have taught me things along the way. There is that saying that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Not quite sure what bucket they all fit in yet, but it's been an interesting journey either way so far.
Prior to my separation I had met three of the most intelligent, funny, color outside the lines and honest women I know. They have been so awesome in being there. All of us sharing our ups and downs. Sharing what we are grateful for and sharing our secrets. Not sure where I would be without them.
I've also met a few people that reminded me that not all men are jerks. Yet at the same time to keep my eyes open and not be naive on the lies some men are willing to tell. I have also been reminded so many times this year to trust my gut. When I had doubts about friendships and motives I questioned myself and others intentions. Second guessing my initial feelings. In the end those individuals proved that my initial gut feel was right on the money.
Also made a friend that reminded me that I'm a very intelligent, independent, benevolent & beautiful single mom that has her shit together. He also helped me to better see a certain part of myself. Not sure he even knows that. Either way I'm grateful and will always think of him as a friend. As I mentioned before I'm not sure what bucket everyone falls into, but I know he no longer considers me a friend. None the less I wish only the best for him.
Live and learn, I try to remind myself everyday to say what I want and not settle for less. To remember to trust my gut and be patient as things and relationships are ever evolving.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Reorganize
Ever get the feeling it's time to reorganize or reinvent yourself? I have been feeling out of sorts all week with out really being sure as to why. Now I'm thinking I need to make some changes. Clear the shelves and start fresh.
I need to go back to eating more of raw diet, I feel more energized when I do. I need to remember to drink more water. Plan on starting couch to 5K on Monday. Longer term I need to figure out how to get back to dancing, I miss it.
I need to cleanse my house & reorganize. Put away wedding pictures, collect what remains of my ex's belongs and return them, throw away old love notes.
I need to get back to writing more, especially on vegan topics. I want to get back to practicing French.
I have a lot of things and goals I want to do, so I must reorganize in order to make it happen and stop feeling so anxious about it all.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
A season
This last year has brought so many changes to my life. A (not using real names to protect the innocent & the not so innocent) made me realize how unsatisfied & miserable I was in my marriage. D made me feel passion. I don't mean physical passion but rather a passion of emotions. It was a crazy emotional ride, but it made me feel alive again.
Things with D ended as quickly as they began. Think I was lucky enough to have several people around me such as D2, G & M to get over everything and move forward.
Yes, the whole last year has been an interesting ride. I figure it is exactly what I needed to change my life and move forward.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Things with D ended as quickly as they began. Think I was lucky enough to have several people around me such as D2, G & M to get over everything and move forward.
Yes, the whole last year has been an interesting ride. I figure it is exactly what I needed to change my life and move forward.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The phone call.....[warning do not read if you are easily upset]
I never thought a phone call could change my life, but it did.
I was 8, my parents had taken us out to the movies. It was raining when we got home. Mom was trying to open the door. My dad was caring my sis since she had fallen asleep. The phone started to ring before the door was open. I ran inside and picked it up. On the otherside was a woman crying. She asked for my dad so I of course handed him the phone. A few words where exchanged between them. He went into his bedroom with my mom right on his heels. I could hear them arguing but not quite sure what they were saying. A few minutes later, he had a bag in his hand and left.
Didn't know exactly what happened, but I sure was about to find out. Once that door closed my mom started to scream at me hysterically.
"You are never to answer the phone again" "it's your fault your daddy left"
She was then on the phone with my grandma and aunties yelling and crying. She seemed to cry all night. I must have fallen asleep since our house had a eerie stillness to it in the morning. Once my mom was up she packed a few bags and off to grandma's house we went. The next day she left. My sister and I were there for a week. No one would tell us what was happening. Where are parents were. I'd try calling home and the phone would just ring and ring. My sister and I felt abandoned by both of our parents.
When my mom finally returned to get us she said, we moved. She had managed to have her job transfer her to a location 2 hours south of where we lived with my dad. She had rented a house and moved furniture in.
My parents were seperated. My mom was working crazy hours to try & make ends meet. During the week, we had a maid that watched us. I use that term losely as she was an illegal my mom paid her under the table. Since she had no one to watch us on the weekend there was an elderly distant relative she would drop us off with.
We didn't have a choice about this. During this time my dad maybe took me & my sister for the weekend twice. This relative had an older son that lived with her. I'm not entirely sure how old he was but I want to say late 20's. At first he was very nice to us regularly drawing us pictures of Hello Kitty. This was 1980.
After a while just one of us would be in his room. Initially it was no big deal. Then he started to regularly stand me in front of his mirror with him standing behind me. He would rub his hands up & down on my non-existant breast. He would tell me that when I was a women I would enjoy this. Things progressed each weekend that we were there. Finally to the point where he would put his hands all the way down my pants. Now, he would seperate me & my sister as much as possible. I would try to regularly protect her as much as I could. I couldn't image him doing the same to her, but he did.
Weird thing was this went unnoticed. We would BEG our dad to come get us. Would ask to be left home alone. Plus the regular bladder infections. Unnoticed. No, our patents were in their own world. This went on for a year and a half before we moved again.
By the time I was 13 I had finally told my parents about this. Only to have my dad call me a liar. Soon afterwards this man was at a family reunion. I was horrified! My dad wanted to see me explode & go off, I didn't. I spent the day sitting in a corner with a fever & throwing up from being so upset. I failed to react the way my dad expected. Therefore according to him, I was never molested and I had lied in his eyes.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I was 8, my parents had taken us out to the movies. It was raining when we got home. Mom was trying to open the door. My dad was caring my sis since she had fallen asleep. The phone started to ring before the door was open. I ran inside and picked it up. On the otherside was a woman crying. She asked for my dad so I of course handed him the phone. A few words where exchanged between them. He went into his bedroom with my mom right on his heels. I could hear them arguing but not quite sure what they were saying. A few minutes later, he had a bag in his hand and left.
Didn't know exactly what happened, but I sure was about to find out. Once that door closed my mom started to scream at me hysterically.
"You are never to answer the phone again" "it's your fault your daddy left"
She was then on the phone with my grandma and aunties yelling and crying. She seemed to cry all night. I must have fallen asleep since our house had a eerie stillness to it in the morning. Once my mom was up she packed a few bags and off to grandma's house we went. The next day she left. My sister and I were there for a week. No one would tell us what was happening. Where are parents were. I'd try calling home and the phone would just ring and ring. My sister and I felt abandoned by both of our parents.
When my mom finally returned to get us she said, we moved. She had managed to have her job transfer her to a location 2 hours south of where we lived with my dad. She had rented a house and moved furniture in.
My parents were seperated. My mom was working crazy hours to try & make ends meet. During the week, we had a maid that watched us. I use that term losely as she was an illegal my mom paid her under the table. Since she had no one to watch us on the weekend there was an elderly distant relative she would drop us off with.
We didn't have a choice about this. During this time my dad maybe took me & my sister for the weekend twice. This relative had an older son that lived with her. I'm not entirely sure how old he was but I want to say late 20's. At first he was very nice to us regularly drawing us pictures of Hello Kitty. This was 1980.
After a while just one of us would be in his room. Initially it was no big deal. Then he started to regularly stand me in front of his mirror with him standing behind me. He would rub his hands up & down on my non-existant breast. He would tell me that when I was a women I would enjoy this. Things progressed each weekend that we were there. Finally to the point where he would put his hands all the way down my pants. Now, he would seperate me & my sister as much as possible. I would try to regularly protect her as much as I could. I couldn't image him doing the same to her, but he did.
Weird thing was this went unnoticed. We would BEG our dad to come get us. Would ask to be left home alone. Plus the regular bladder infections. Unnoticed. No, our patents were in their own world. This went on for a year and a half before we moved again.
By the time I was 13 I had finally told my parents about this. Only to have my dad call me a liar. Soon afterwards this man was at a family reunion. I was horrified! My dad wanted to see me explode & go off, I didn't. I spent the day sitting in a corner with a fever & throwing up from being so upset. I failed to react the way my dad expected. Therefore according to him, I was never molested and I had lied in his eyes.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
What to do, what to do!
So it seems that if one aspect of my life is going well the other parts just fall to pieces.
Although work has been extremely busy this year, I have already exceeded my savings targets for this year. I have also received two awards and just found out this week that I'm going to receive another award next week. Career-wise yes life is good.
The other aspects, not so much! As many of you know I'm going through a pretty messed up divorce. My ex is really been going after me for as much money as possible. No only in the form of child and spousal support, but also my stocks and retirement accounts. I don't mind the child support. I do resent the spousal support, he works for another pharmaceutical company and earns good money. Now this week he is being laid off, so he has been wanting to take me to court so that he can get half my salary. This has had me fuming of course!
We previously agreed that I would keep our house. With the current status of the economy we would end up selling at a loss. The issue that comes up is how do I maintain an a house this size, my sanity and support my ex. As much as I love this house I feel like I have to walk away. It is just four walls, wood & concrete right? So why is the idea of selling my home so hard. For all I have worked for and accomplished this idea makes me feel like a failure. At the same time I want to be able to spend what I want when I want & buy things for my kids. I want to take vacations. With having to support my ex I really have been having to watch what I spend & I really hate that.
Now that I have failed at two marriages and most likely will have to sell my house, yeah life sucks!
Although work has been extremely busy this year, I have already exceeded my savings targets for this year. I have also received two awards and just found out this week that I'm going to receive another award next week. Career-wise yes life is good.
The other aspects, not so much! As many of you know I'm going through a pretty messed up divorce. My ex is really been going after me for as much money as possible. No only in the form of child and spousal support, but also my stocks and retirement accounts. I don't mind the child support. I do resent the spousal support, he works for another pharmaceutical company and earns good money. Now this week he is being laid off, so he has been wanting to take me to court so that he can get half my salary. This has had me fuming of course!
We previously agreed that I would keep our house. With the current status of the economy we would end up selling at a loss. The issue that comes up is how do I maintain an a house this size, my sanity and support my ex. As much as I love this house I feel like I have to walk away. It is just four walls, wood & concrete right? So why is the idea of selling my home so hard. For all I have worked for and accomplished this idea makes me feel like a failure. At the same time I want to be able to spend what I want when I want & buy things for my kids. I want to take vacations. With having to support my ex I really have been having to watch what I spend & I really hate that.
Now that I have failed at two marriages and most likely will have to sell my house, yeah life sucks!
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